Void.

Always the same feeling. The same need. The calling. The hunger for more. And then? Just... sadness.

I love literature but I also hate it. I hate it because of what literature is doing to me.I love the feeling when I'm sinking into a book, feel the way the characters feel, somehow connectng with them. Experiencing the same adventures. But when I'm finished... i feel this void inside. Void caused by the same book that i was in deep connection with for past couple of days. Doesn't matter whether I was a master of a sword on a quest to save my foster daughter or fighting hordes of enemies, teenage wizard solving mysteries or a journalist trying to figure out who the murderer is. At the end of every book I'm just laying on the bed and trying to figure out what to do next. How to get on with my life when this great adventure has ended?

The Need.

I'm a lazy ass guy. I've mastered the art of procrastination. Whenever I have something urgent to do I always find some better thing that needs my whole attention. But there is a time in every students life that you have to get your shit together and focus. Learn what you have to learn, pass whatever you have to pass to go back to your regular-self. I've never had any problems with that. Until now. No matter how urgent and important the exam is, how much I have to learn, it all comes up to quick revise 10 minutes before it. And I don't have what it takes to buckle up anymore. And I think that Devil is involved in this whole situation.
I need to pray. Pray hard. But there is always something better to do. How to deal with that?

(Speaking of better things to do...)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LKHpM1UeDA

Fear.

How to do it? How to be in a reltionship and have no fear? I love somebody. I have a beautiful loving girlfriend. She makes me happy. She makes me feel like I'm a teenager again and yet there's not a single day goes by without me feeling scared. Scared of hurting her, scared of influencing on her in a way that would change her. I don't want her to change but is there any way to do that? Compromise is not a good thing after all. You lose yourself when you compromise. You gave up, piece by piece, little parts yourself. Your hopes, dreams, taste in music, friends that the other doesn't like, habits... everything and everybody that makes you who you are. Everything that made you fall in love in that person in a first place.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLhN__oEHaw

First attempt.

When I think of  myself, I always try to imagine me in a small house built (partially) with my own hands. Loving wife, four children, faithfull dog, steady job, sunday dinners with whole family, glass of wine over the fireplace, good book while sitting in a huge leather chair, satisfying sex in a various places around the house, holiday once a year, saturday drinking night... bullshit. I'm no prophet and thank God to that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XF-qH7G9ACI !